“This is not the order of things. This is just not right,” I cried out. Children are not supposed to out live their children. But life rarely does what it is supposed to do. And for me this is not an exception. The pain is unbelievable. The loss of words and even feelings are hard to deal with. I really don’t know where to go from here. While I want to talk with people, I at the same time don’t want to talk with anyone. I suppose I am following the typical stages of grief. The first stage is denial. I have felt the numbness, confusion, shock and an almost “shut down of emotions.” To you looking at where I am, you may see me as avoiding the situation and procrastination or distracting myself from what I should be doing. But believe me, I have and continue to just cry, just weep. The thing is, I know God is weeping right along side of me. “It hurts so bad Lord, take this cup from me!”
My emotions will fluctuate with time. I contemplated coming to do services on Sunday, but I am not sure how my emotions would hold up through a service and that would not be good for me or anyone at this stage of the game. I appreciate Bishop Haynes’ willing ness to come to St. John’s this Sunday to celebrate the Eucharist with you. I know you have wanted to call me, but I appreciate your willingness to let me be for a while so that I can process what is going on inside me right now. As you know, I have been under the care of a psychiatrist for a number of years for attention deficit disorder and Depression. I continue to see him monthly and will be seeing him on Monday and we will go from there.
I miss Bryce so much and am still wondering if I will get a phone call or see him show up and yell, “hey Dad I’m here.” When it doesn’t happen, I shrink into a little ball and cry again.
What has kept me going these past few days is trying to do the best I can for “Happy,” Bryce’s constant companion chocolate lab. Happy was with Bryce in the accident and it is a miracle he survived. While he has many injuries, it looks like he will make it through with a lot of wound care, perhaps another operation, and a lot of TLC. Bryce named him happy because of his demeaner and that has not changed. He saw Kathy and me and tried to get up and wagged his tail the whole time. Perhaps we can take our solace from our furry friends who are always glad to see us, whether it be five minutes, five hours, or perhaps even a lifetime.
I suspect Bryce's mom Gayle was waiting for him welcoming him to his new life with all he loves. I will look forward to seeing you all very soon as I get my head in a better place. May God bless you all and always love each other for life is so fragile. Blessings, Fr. Bill